Two weeks to 41…and I am contemplating the journey thus far. 

I can say these forty years have held much beauty and much pain. I have loved and lost, been devastated to my core and gotten up again by the grace of God. I know what it means to find sacred treasures in the seasons of “the dark night of the soul.” I understand the symbolism of the dying and rebirth of the Phoenix, and have stood in that holy fire multiple times. Sanctification for me has been quite the process; I so often feel the remaining dross heavy upon my heart. So be it — this is part of the mystery and glory of “becoming” as a human being making her way Heavenward. I am prone to failure, and God in me is helping me press into the practice of forgiveness and the miracle of Love’s undoing and refining. I also know the unfurling, blossoming joy of receiving good gifts in the abundance of Light and thankfulness fills me for these times and gifts. Truly, favor and goodness have chased me down all the days of my life (Ps. 23); yet at times, I have rejected their gifts and wisdom because of lies I believed about myself or others. For the part of me that has held onto regret and shame for my lack of understanding or the foolishness of my pride and wrong choices, I forgive myself. I am learning, I am growing — at times with quickness and strength, at other times, with fault and much in need of pruning — but at all times, with great yearning to become who God dreamed I would be if I would say “Yes!” to Him and receive. I have reaped mountains of blessing and benefits from the prayers offered by my ancestors and countless others who have deeply loved and cared for me. I have fought to right the unhealthy things passed down. Mistakes have been made, grace has been showered; I am learning to release what was and what might have been and move forward. Often I have wondered about the inherent self destruct button I seem to carry inside of me; but, I rest in the faith that Jesus is the ultimate Healer and Dismantler of traps set and atomic bombs placed inside us by lies, trauma, poor choices, the angst of deferred hope and imbalances within the soul. We don’t come out of the womb hating ourselves; that is taught to us, engrained by hurting people who themselves were deeply wounded. Compassion and empathy are such beautiful facets of Love as a remedy to these plights of our human experience, as is forgiveness and grace. Patience is a key as well — a character trait that I am at last beginning to learn, albeit slowly. Love is patient, kind… Love brings to life; even in and through pain. The end result always reveals what Spirit was at work. While I have often stumbled, as a small, unsteady child learning to walk with bruised knees and skinned hands, it is my hope the tenor of my life will show Love’s guiding hand through and through. It is my desire I will grow to stumble less and run hard after Love in a way that brings life to my own soul and to that of those around me. 

As I look back and look ahead, it is my fervent prayer to become steady and beautiful as “strong corner pillars sculpted in palace style” (Ps. 144:12), confident in my true identity as a beloved child of God and upholding His Kingdom with delight and honor where He has planted me; to embrace all parts of my created being, with the willingness to change as gently lead; to partner with God for abundance of life and passion of calling; and to learn even more fully what it means to love the Lord my God with all my mind, heart, soul and strength, and my neighbor as myself. Love is the beginning and the end. For the places and ways I haven’t loved well, I ask forgiveness, would seek to make amends and strive to do better in the future. For the places and ways I have not been loved well, I will seek to extend forgiveness and mercy, as I would want to be shown toward me in my failures, and move forward with hope and love in my heart. This is all we can really do. It is a daily process; it is a practice we learn; it is the cleaning of the heart we are invited to do in order to live a more fruitful, healthy life. 

I am more determined than ever to step into the Light, to choose joy, and become the woman God has called me to be through discipline, the pursuit of His heart, acceptance of what “is”, even more truthful acknowledgment of my weaknesses and need of His unfailing grace so that my foundations are strengthened and wounded places are fully repaired and restored, as I press forward into more abundant life. 

I don’t know what dreams will come true, or what dreams may shift and morph into something altogether new. But, I know I trust Love and Love’s desire for me when the inner storm is quieted and I can hear His life-giving, gentle, beautiful whisper clearly. I know and believe God’s heart toward me is good. 

All in all, I am so grateful — for all of it; the suffering and the joy have taught me much in these forty wild years. For those of you who have walked with me in the darkness and in the light as dear, compassionate travel companions, I am forever grateful for the blessing you are to my heart and life. I have needed your presence, and your friendship is even more precious now — for community and belonging is where our mutual healing occurs. And as we heal together, the world begins to heal and Heaven is made manifest on Earth in a tangible way we all can see and celebrate. What beauty and wholeness is ours for the receiving and for the extending! It already lies within. For those I know and extend love to from a distance, I hope our paths will one day align so we can know each other more and discover the unique surprises our alchemy creates. You, too, are a thread woven in my life; you matter, you are seen and I am thankful for you. 

So here’s to the next chapter and the ones after that! In Christ, no matter what, we have the beauty of a happy ending. This is the truth I hold dear. ❤️